Agony of De-FEET

The Credo Corn Cutter - Seriously, who calls it that?


The wounds (both physical and emotional) have healed from my recent pedicure disaster, so I courageously ventured into yet another nail salon this afternoon. I have decided that trying to find a good pedicure in Colorado is much like trying to find a good hamburger in China....I'm not sure either exist. However, I am thrilled to report that I managed to find the Big Mac of pedicures today. What I mean is, I found something decent enough to hold me over until I take a trip to Texas. Although relative success was achieved, today's visit is definitely worth discussing.

Let's start from the beginning...

I entered the salon and was greeted by the friendliest Coloradan EVER. He was a pleasant Asian gentleman who quickly instructed me to pick out my color. I, for one, only wear colors with exciting names...like "Do You Lilac It?", "Have You Seen My Limo?", or "Elephantastic". So, you can imagine my horror when I began to search through the assortment of OPI bottles only to find the names had been removed. I don't even know how to pick a color based solely on its looks. I NEED A NAME. After countless hours of searching, I begrudgingly scooped up a color and threw myself into the massage chair.

The friendliest Coloradan EVER didn't seem to be affected and immediately began my pedicure. It was at this time that I noticed the mole on his chin...the mole with four of the LONGEST mole hairs I have EVER seen. No, they were THE longest mole hairs I have ever seen. I'm not exaggerating when I say they ranged in length from two to say, four and a half inches. I couldn't take my eyes off of them. Fortunately, the friendliest Coloradan EVER (TFCE) was focused on my toes and didn't seem to notice me. There was also another hair that seemed to have no origin. I tried for nearly an hour to follow it, but I finally gave up the search. It is still a mystery to me.

Randomly throughout my pedicure, TFCE would greet the patrons who came into the salon. At one point, a "regular" must have entered because he asked her, "How are your mom and shitsa?"

I beg your pardon? Is this salon PG-13?

It was during the exchange of pleasantries that another patron, Park Ranger Susan, took a seat in the chair next to me. The unfortunate nail tech who sat at her feet had apparently drawn the short straw and was a captive audience as she bored us all with her airplane woes from a 5:30am flight....something about a bag and "he didn't want to mess with me at 5:30 in the morning." Misfortune struck when her neighbor entered the salon and Park Ranger Susan began to recount the same boring tale. Her neighbor wasn't impressed either but did make an attempt to look interested...and even went on to share her own insightful monologue about how it was so humid during her trip to South Carolina that she "wanted to tear her skin off."

All the while, TFCE carried on with my pedicure, and I must say...he took no prisoners. He attacked my heels with the Credo-Corn Cutter (these are illegal in Texas but necessary in Colorado where people hike in Chaco's and only get pedicures on their wedding day) like he was peeling potatoes. I think I lost half a shoe size.

After I was properly "skinned", TFCE began my massage....at least that's what I think it was. He squirted lotion on my legs and then began to hit the bottoms of my feet. I almost hit back but then remembered the mole hairs. Who knows what those things are capable of? Quite frankly, I don't want to know. As luck would have it, the beating didn't last long, and TFCE and I are still friends.

After a semi-impressive paint job, I hobbled over to the drying booth to catch up on my People Magazine reading. The nuggets of information one can glean from a People Magazine are riveting....like the fact that Matthew McConaughey has a brother named Rooster who has a son named Miller Lyte. I wonder if he has a shitsa? I'll have to ask TFCE the next time I visit his salon.